Atlantean Merman

He melded himself to me
Gabriel brought me to him in a dream
I asked him what was wrong
as we hummed empathy's song

How could one life
Inflict so much harm?
He downplayed his despair
Time didn’t care
but i sure as hell did
his wounds were mine to share
his bleeding blue eyes
needed angelic repair

His self- destruction released me
I woke up and waded half-peacefully
In a weepy memory
Of what could never be
My soul remained with him
My body was dead within
yet his healing eased me
He came back to me
Melded in a dream
In our likeness he understood
life is never easy
He didn’t treat me like damaged goods
Everyone assumes they should

Let me wither away
I’m too broken to fix anyway
Tomorrow is going to die
It might as well come sooner
Than today can bear false witness
before a dream can cast away
material wishes

in our unity of brokeness
we shared dream kisses
whole, tender on wings of love
The kisses fit like a glove
But her mind wasn’t fit
To hold her own shit
Once she woke up

He knew why I felt like that
The disappointment on the surface
Rippled within
All the others left me alone
But he didn’t send me away
He opened his arms to me
I cried on his chest until it was morning
Then I woke up
Still soaring, still hurting
I want to stay with him
Intimacy enshrined our mold
Intimate with God, in each other we do behold
He told me to take it with a grain of salt
But he also told me I have nice veins
The salt feels like a boulder
No angel could ever outweigh
death awaits
A world on my shoulder
No one else can see
deep inside our melded dream
he's not a fish but a merman
I rarely get to see
still, a tender creature
needing release in heaven’s stream
back to God, back to wisdom
melded in eternity

Transpersonal Poetry

Maybe I'll be blessed
To marry another writer
maybe he'll be an Aquarius
that's irrelevant, stars tired
i don't deserve to be admired

never wanting to be mine
it doesn't matter he won't find me in time
lady luck walks a fine line
still I pray for him
faith does let faith in
and even if we can't meet
i'll hold him again

Pray he won't elude
my femininity wrong
bitch, whore, tramp
my essence has been muddied too long
by those who know me not
and never really tried to
don't look for me anymore
I won''t cry for you


As the rest of my life is denied
He'll call me a bitch one more time
every other fucking line
I hear the refrain every time I cry
God forgive me, i don't know how to press on
let me die to the sound of the song
I should have known all along
he wouldn't believe me
no one ever wants to be a piece of me

So I'll roll over
and let the skin cancer spread
beyond a doctor's chemo bed
it doesn't hurt, only what he said
the bitch in someone else's head
a cancer dressed in red

let this fucking disease invade my bones
before long I will be called home
i didn't come here and I won't be leaving
alone alone

My tail is like an angel
just because you can't see it
doesn't mean it's not there
just because i couldn't hold you and say how sorry i am
doesn't mean i don't care
it doesn't mean i don't care

I am guilty of caring too much
of loving those who don't want to be loved
saying too much when i should just shut up
of loving those who don't want to be loved

so let this fucking disease invade my bones
before long I will be heading home
i didn't come here and i won't be leaving
alone alone

Put another pill in my mouth
like I'm not supposed to be this way
i hear every word the neighbors say
with the window closed
psychic illness i suppose
maybe all those fucking pills
is what made the cancer grow
I don't even want to know

so let this disease invade my bones
it's been too long, i want to go home
i didn't come here and i won't be leaving
alone, alone

Tell Aurora how sorry I am
I wanted to give her so much
Mommy's always been sick and now i'm all fucked up
It doesn't mean I didn't love that baby enough

So let this disease invade my bones
I can hear Jesus calling me home
I didn't come here and I won't be leaving
alone, alone

-Jessica

Dream Unicorns

I enjoy writing dreams in poetic form. Sometimes if I write a poem it even has a way of dictating what I dream about on a later date. I caught a baby corn snake in the park with my daughter a few days ago, hence the venom poem. While it wasn't a poisonous snake, I did have to inspect it carefully to be sure it was in fact a corn snake and not a baby rattle snake or a water moccasin as those too are native inhabitants of my tropical state and are extremely deadly. I saw snakes in a dream later due to the snake handling that's been going on these past few days.

Last night however, the dream was fresh, the imagery alive with new scenes still yet to manifest. I should avoid mentioning the specific locations I saw within the dream as I feel this could potentially be yet another precognitive vision and more than likely I could follow Michael's guidance and turn up at the two locations the angels seemed to be suggesting I venture to.

So here's last night's dream in verse

The Perfect Magnolia

Swimming in my baby pool
I glanced into a tree
Only to see
A flawless magnolia
Blooming back at me

It made me pleased
The flower itself
A charged sexual tease
Moistened leaves
Procreation in a flowering tree
Suddenly I was in my old room
Blinking at flying unicorns

Then I found some money
Older twenties, well worn
Tucked in a sparkled purse
The hand me down belongings
Contained the greater worth

Dining in false unison
My mother laid claim
To an ancient report card
High school still felt the same
I reflected with disdain
Reviewed my grades, a tedious course
Then returned to the present without remorse

I left for a singular journey
In my battered blue car
It’s worth less than pennies in a gas jar
Clothes were scattered on the floor board
I settled for an overnight bag
Had to make do with what I had

I was trying to go to a show
Two locations well known
Rather not say where
No telling who could show up
To protest the psychic fayre

I had on a summer dress
Still I was insecure
I never know if I look a mess
And for the destination
Inside I wanted to design myself, my best

Then I saw a man in black
Head held high by a striking back
He had a birthmark on his right shoulder
I wondered if my arrow shot him
No matter how many lives had past
I had not forgot him

When he looked over
I fumbled in heavy sighs
My mind raced
As swift heartbeats replied
Pound for pound

Others would try to stop me
From getting too close to him
Eyesight akin
While physical distance was a factor
No one can ever stop us
from flirting within
Our souls exchanged
A knowing grin
Every time he smiles at me
I wonder if that's how love feels
When at last it lets me in

Low and behold
A ticket in my hand
How I wish it were a ticket to his favor!
reconcile like Jesus forgave her
she was never the same

this ticket bore my boring name
An alias over labored
No one could intervene
I didn’t want to stop
it wasn't up to me to save her

After a trip to the gift shop
I sat to his left side
as he took the stage
He was captivating
But somehow I was drunk and disengaged

The concert flipped by, page for page
I remember two songs preformed
One about drowning in him
to me within
The other chorus soared
As I yearned
Needing lots of love
A Zeppelin original
But when he caresses it you wouldn’t know
It wasn’t his love before

Afterwards I was on a bus
Heading home fast
Walking into my foyer
Synchronized, legs in motion
Until I heard a laugh
A girl began to dabble in sass

Interrogated my commitment
For a moment I thought she would commit me
Then indifference hit me, alas
I let go without warning

Then I woke up and it was after morning
Somewhere the unicorns were still flying
As perfect magnolias were dying

Venom in Verse

I have no recollection of writing some of the poetry
the verse rejected me
to the tune of a soothing sonnet
I'm too old to dwell on it
the future could never be
wasting away writing bad poetry
venom in verse venom in verse

the past hunted me down
a rat on sacred ground
i felt a plunge
penetrate my blood
snake fangs through my skin
venom within venom within

I have no recollection of writing some of the poetry
an endeavor never meant to be
the critics laughed at me
as I hunted for the cheese
Plot to please
Muffle a squeak, a victim's shout
venom without venom without

rejection festered doubt
hope is of no use
for i was used by you
use me once again
venom within venom within

I don't want to recall
the writing on the wall
it damned my life
phantoms are snakes
the past is too
it coils up and waits to strike you
venom with all venom with all

The Mermaid's Cocoon

Swimming into another spring
Avoiding birthday collision, a reapers doom
Just be still and sleep with me
In a mermaid’s cocoon

Rejecting all incisions
Mother Nature calls too soon
A soul intruder
Encroached my bruised flesh
Before long it will be another corpse
Belly up in the sea
Sea foam rest
The angel fish swoon
As I rest in a mermaid's cocoon

This spring I will resolve
To relentlessly confess
To part from blissful dissolution
The destructiveness I hooked within me
A resolution indeed
To desire the things I cannot have
Less and less

A harp that played a marriage raw
I came, I looked, I saw
Too much and yet not enough
Her husband gave me a virgin’s rush
Garnished by his deviled blue eyes
Ever sinful, ever lush
With a brush of invitation
Upon my willing face
memory of the sensation
I let it sweep, every last trace
Like a strand of hair
Falling gently out of place
Disheveled in pleasant disarray
Dare order not come too soon
As I dream in a mermaid's cocoon

Such displacement infuses happiness
I knew not before
The joy of being unashamed
Of myself, of a tarnished past
Like a kettle, the stained silver does laugh
Boiling pot, a stew so appetizing
Like his taste, his mystic ways
The way neither of us could ever change
Age is stubborn
Our sun has burned too late
And the moment passed too soon
As I stir in my mermaid cocoon

Year after year
a loveless fate
No cure for me I’m a homeless stray
Die for tomorrow, live for today
Curl up beneath an eclipsed moon
Lure me not from my mermaid cocoon

Stellar secrets croon
As the earth ignores an oblivion of guilt
ignorance wrapped in silk
Still justice looms, yes it looms
Somewhere beyond a mermaid's cocoon

So distract the truth for one more day
The spring will still bloom
and I will hear the jasmine string
On a solemn afternoon
yet I cannot see a lover betray
Within the mermaid cocoon

Below the surface yesteryear fades
As time is unforgiving still
even while the dreams play
A spun harmony to readily engage
Resistance to temptation
Does not behave
As I succumb to his taste, his mystic ways
His spell came over me in waves
In a mermaid's cocoon

-Jessica

A Poem for Stubborn Times

Sometimes I look up into my dreams
Only for a chance to see
searing blue eyes
staring back at me
I know not what to say
Reading your thoughts says it all anyway
It makes me think
of my face on your soul
It makes me adore
the day you looked at me
like you wanted to take me home
before the angry rain would pour

In the uncertainty of heaven's destiny
I look up into my dreams
and hear the welcome reprieve
No one's ever looked at me that way
No one's ever looked at me that way
I saw the look on your face
the saints can't remove
what your eyes whispered to me
you told me to meet you in a dream

I crawl further into my sleep
with heavy hope and a childlike prayer
the hands of fate will shake
And I shall see him there
Imagining what lies beyond his gentle stare
I clung to his hair
Like I could grab any sense
if I just held on to our joint despair

we fell away from peace that day
destiny dreams but she knows not what to say
what the angels have been hiding from me

It's too late for I already arrived
in the moment I thought he would cry
in the moment he forgot his wife
I never mind
God knows I am here on borrowed time
yesterday raped me
but tomorrow swears
it already forgave me
but I can't forgive myself

So I'll bid farewell to reality
and seek a finer life
A cross I can believe
A dual dream
i saw his eyes crawling into me
he didn't stare
like he wanted to be free
they say one look is all you need
his heart was just like me
i was the only place he wanted to be
Jesus beamed
as he tucked me into my dreams

-Jessica the rejected poet

Kisses On the Floor

I began praying for more answers before I fell asleep. Aurora was ahead of me in dream time and I really didn't lay down until after she left for school. Earlier yesterday, I stumbled on the lyrics to "Climbing up the walls," and once again I found myself sobbing over scream. It didn't take much to figure out what the song was about, to me anyway. I noted in some of those poems about how I was being medicated and it made me want to claw my way out of my own walls that I built around myself, mainly to conceal my esteem from the judgment of the world and all the labels it contains. When a man like Chris responds to you by writing Part of Me or Climbing up the Walls or a song like Long Gone, and you are aware it is some kind of poetic reply to your own poetry, it does things to you... bizarre emotional things I was never fully prepared for. Prayer is the only medication, it's the greatest remedy to all of the mysteries that seem so elusive and unsettling.

I woke up in a dream and there were a bunch of people I didn't know. I had a CD in my hands and I was explaining to someone what the progression within the musical transition was supposed to be, I described the way I heard the music in my own head when I handed him the manuscript. In the dream I explained it perfectly, but no one was really listening to me. (shocking.) There were numerous material distractions. One of the themes was a "son" and the angels were using the son reference to describe Chris as being "son of man." The son in the dream wanted a bigger TV. The son and the father were both playing on Blackberry's and considered me some kind of poverty-stricken nobody. I was being treated like some kind of house maid and the father sent me to sweep. As I was feverishly hunched over with a broom, cleaning the areas within this amphitheater, I noticed some Hershey's kisses on the floor. I tried to sweep them up and a woman stopped me, picked up the kiss and said, "This is contaminated."
The message I took away from this portion of the dream is that the CD is contaminated because it was executed for purposes of getting a bigger TV or more wealth and gathering a larger following.

I am thinking of something Jesus and I have discussed. He has talked to me about tending to the flock you have so that you aren't wandering everywhere looking for more grass, greener grass. I feel like that is what happened with Scream. Chris went looking for greener grass while he was still on the earth. Jesus and I had a laugh one night, He came to me and we were joking about something and He said to me, "Jessica my child, the grass is greener on the otherside." There really isn't greener grass to be found on this earth unless your looking within or you are walking on it in the fields of heaven.

The chocolate kiss made me think of the candy dreams I had about Chris last year. A theme was Chris saying I had candy, or he was giving me cookies or sending me out to get chocolate and strawberries, all of which mean special love within dreaming. That love or whatever it was has been "contaminated." It is much like a piece of candy that falls on the floor. It's so sweet and delicious that the indifferent, childish part of you wants to exercise the five second rule, pick it up, dust it off and savor it anyway but the cleaner, more sensible part of you wants to call it a waste, sweep it up and throw it in the trash can and resist the tempting sugar that it was. Dream sweeping implies I am trying to clear my mind of emotional and mental clutter. I am trying to take a new stance and have a fresh attitude toward life. I guess the dream candy Chris kept giving me last year has now just become clutter on the floor I want to remove from my life because it is "contaminated." In a sense, there is nothing fictional about the Part of me girl at all. She is like Michael or Helene or Mary or any of the celestial beings that exist around us. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they can ever be classified as fictional, fairytale characters. The Part of me girl was one of Chris's dream characters and he interacted with her much like we interact with other celestial creatures during out of body travel.

I know I am beating a dead horse, I just felt it was the right time to give this chapter of my life one final review before the album is released so that I can finally move on and never look back again. Writing through it seems to be the only proper solution. I have never been one to sit in an ongoing cycle of victim hood, it's never been a well-suited role for a spit fire like me and I try to escape it at all costs.

After the Hershey kiss dream, I woke up and performed dream recall and then I went back into another dream. It was like a Titanic theme in a sense. Maybe scream is just a sinking ship now, or maybe I am. I hope not. There was a street light that kept going on and off, but I know that was the angels, they talk to me in blinking street light signals all the time. I saw a small animal and I wanted to help it. I walked over and noticed that it was a baby possum. This made me think of "Possum kingdom," by the Toadies. "I promise you I will treat you well, my sweet angel, so help me Jesus." I think this was Layne talking to me, I saw him in the dream for a moment beforehand. He was just beautiful, so mesmerizing, he's proceeding with his divine recovery very nicely, he's in much better shape. Michael and I are really pleased with the progress he's made just in the past few months. He's much stronger now if he can send me dream possums like that. A possum in dreaming can mean a number of things... like refusal to fight. It was a baby and it was riding on my back, but the very first thing I thought of when I woke up after giving the possum a lift was "Possum kingdom" so I'm sure that had to do with the nature of the message being conveyed. There were oak trees in this scene as well and an oak tree in your dreams symbolizes longevity, stability, strength, tolerance, wisdom, and prosperity.